just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
