Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
