Welp...herpes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
