i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
