when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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