yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
