I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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