I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
