New invention idea: vibrating tampons
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
