True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
