I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
