he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
