News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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