dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
