Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My balls are so social today.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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