I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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