Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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