I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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