my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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