Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
