come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
