I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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