I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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