What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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