i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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