Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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