We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize