my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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