dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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