So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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