I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
