My room smells like vodka and shame
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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