Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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