So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
