Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
