Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize