You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
