I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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