i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
