At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
