In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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