oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
