apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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