My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
