you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
