Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
