I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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