why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
