So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
