I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
