She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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