stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
