I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
